| (no subject) |
[Aug. 15th, 2005|09:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  empty | ] |
I'm going to make this journal friends only soon.
I got home around 1:30am this morning after drinking with Emily and Carlos from work since like 6pm. I took it east last night nursing my vodka crans and buttery nipples, until my stomach starting hurting and I went home. On the way home I was looking around at all the other cars on the road and found myself wondering how I could possibly feel so empty in a city full of people. I was hoping I would go home to an empty apartment. It was, my roommate is busy wallowing in self pity and went to her parents' thank God. I went to bed around 2-ish and woke up around 4 after I dreamt about the hot busser at work.
I wouldn't call it lonliness- because I'm avoiding people here. But I definetly feel empty. I love that I'm picky. And I love that I haven't had a boyfriend since March, because I always have a boyfriend. I've enjoyed these last few months of, though infrequent, casual sex. It has been kind of a while though, and part of me misses the feeling of being infatuated, but the rest of me loves turning 21 with no stings attatched. But I get plenty of attention at work from all the boys, except one, and of course that's the one I like now.
I have been avoiding the fireman for over a week now. I think he's given up- I certainly have.
The matinence people are here doing something to the garbage disposal. I hope they don't take long- I need to get into the shower before work. |
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| No Shit |
[Aug. 13th, 2005|09:32 am] |
You May Be a Bit Obsessive Compulsive ... |
Meticulous and detailed oriented, you have some irrational obsessions.
Maybe it's your super neat closet or washing your hands a gazillion times.
You probably know it's weird, but you just can't stop thinking about it.
In fact, the more you think about your quirks, the more you have to do them. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 4th, 2005|07:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | reclusive | ] |
Current Weight/BMI: 106 pounds/17.6
Short term Goal: 100
Long term Goal: 95
Ultimate Goal: 90
I had a few dates lined up for this week. On Sunday I bailed on Lee and pushed it to last night (which was awful by the way). On Monday I cancelled on Scott and rescheduled for Tuesday then I cancelled again. Tonight I was suppossed to go out with David, and I cancelled. I feel bad- but I'm just not into dating right now. My fireman calls on his days off. He's trying to figure out his transfer schedule so he doesn't miss my brithday. I don't care either way. I have losing 16 pounds to focus on.
I came home and slept all day. Sometimes I think I could sleep forever.
I'm going to buy myself a new scale because mine is so retarded and cheap/broken. But I'm not going to weigh myself for a few days. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 4th, 2005|01:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  fat | ] |
Weighing in at: 106 pounds
BMI: 17.6
I hung out with my mom last night and I'm going to take her out tonight since I made so much money this week. My mom is my life. She's worried about me. Yesterday she told me that she weighed 98 pounds at the doctors office the other day (she's 5'1) and she's concerned and wants to gain a few pounds. Then she started crying and telling me how she hates what I'm doing to myself. And the whole time I'm thinking, "Wait a second, you weigh 98 pounds and you're getting on me and I'm 106 pounds? 106! That's a lot! I want to lose 10 more pounds." It's easy when I'm working because I'm so busy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 2nd, 2005|10:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  determined | ] |
Today's weight: 107 pounds
BMI: 17.8
Yesterday was awsome. I went to work, got 100% on both my server and menu tests, made a shit load of money in tips, I made the most add-on sales (bottle of wine, desserts, booze, etc) and my mannager pulled me aside to tell me she was amazed that the new girl had more sales than any other server. And the best part is I didn't eat a thing all day. Not one thing and I wasn't even hungry. There's a busser at work who is really hot and I know he likes me, but I'm not down with dating in the work place, and I don't want to date in general right now. He's just fun to look at.
I have to work today too, another dinner shift. Last night I had 2 parties of 6 and a party of 5- I thought it would be overwhelming because I don't really know what I'm doing yet- but it wasn't. Shit, I'm probably making more money doing this that I will be as a teacher, what the hell am I going to school for? Just kidding. I love school and I can't wait to teach.
I usually plateau around 105 pounds, so I'm sure that'll happen again. :( |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2005|11:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  better... | ] |
Still 108 :(
My fireman called me late last night. I let it go to voicemail but called him back this morning. He said he wants to come up for my birthday. I told him I probably have to work (which is true). I think I'm over him, I mean- what do I have to gain from this? A friendship I guess. That's not so bad. He's a nice guy, he's just a little mixed up.
I work today and take my final tests. So I won't have anything to stress over after today, thank God.
Wednedsay I'm having drinks with someone from high school and Thursday I'm going to a movie with this guy that I had gone on a couple dates with earlier this summer. He's really cool, he's getting his PHD at Standford and my dad keeps pushing me to date him, but he's 28 and that's a bit old for me. I'll probably cancel.
I'm not going to eat today. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2005|06:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
Ughhh....
Today I weighed: 108
BMI: 18.0
STGW: 105
LTGW: 99
I'm done with my fireman. He wants to still see me, and still come visit me but not a long distance relationship, and he's not a "relationship guy". I told him that it's a bad idea. Not that I didn't expect this. And I'm kinda over him after now all this happened anyway. He called today- I let it go to voicemail. I will call him back, I just need a few days to myself.
I'm so stressed out about work. Apparently I'm the new "celebrity". My trainer told me all the boy servers and bussers thought I was hot and asked her if she knew whether or not I had a boyfriend. I told her to tell her them I did, even though I don't because 1, dating is the absolute LAST thing on my mind, I hate being hit on and lately I I can't even stand being looked at; 2, I don't want to date/hook up in the work place; and 3, I have terrible taste and would probably pick an asshole with committment problems or a clinger who will only end up smothering me.
I asked for an extension on my menu/server test. I'm taking it tomorrow before work.
I was forced to eat dinner today. It pisses me off. I'm in my little mode. I won't eat tomorrow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 29th, 2005|03:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  worried | ] |
I just got home from work- only to have to go back at 5 and work a dinner shift. An old man at one of my tables winked at me... in a creepy way. I'm so tired of being hit. By everyone, customers, friends, co-workers... I don't want to be looked at. I don't want any attention.
This morning I weighed 109 pounds (of course, 5 of those are breast implants) so, sans tits I weigh 104 pounds. I need to lose at least 5 more pounds. I can't believe I'm doing this shit again. I plan on blaming my job for future weight loss. The 4 pounds I already lost aren't noticable. The only people who give me shit is my middle sister (who is moving back to NY next month and won't even see me); my dad, who will be busy with his mail-order bride from hell and their new baby; and my mom. My mom will be tough to fool. But then again who is she to talk when she weighs less than 100 pounds and does starve herself (a habit she learned from watching me). Her, I can deal with. But since she clings to me so much. And now it's getting worse because my sister is moving, so my mom is calling me and my sisters constantly. My mom's life revolves around her daughters and I have to go home once a week (between a full time job and school), she always tries to bring it up. "Are you eating Little Face? You aren't starving yourself are you? Why do you do that? It hurts me when you do that. Do you do it to hurt your mother?" Then she blames herself. When it has nothing to do with anyone. Sometimes she turns on the waterworks. My mother, master of the guilt trip. I think growing up sheltered in an upper/middle class roman catholic family may have had a hand. But mainly it's control. I don't know how to be an adult. I grew up with maids to clean for me, parents to pay for anything/everything I wanted, and everyone else making my decisions for me. I am/was a spolied little brat, selfish and ungrateful. That was then. Now, I share a tiny one bedroom, I work and pay for my own shit, and make my own decisions. It's terrifying. I feel like I have no control over what happens around me, and no real identity, so I control what I eat. And the ultimate form of that control is to not eat anything.
I know it's bad. I know I'm hurting myself, and those who love me. I know that it causes me to receed into my own little world and push everyone else out of it. I know that I'm miserable when things go too far, like when I hit 90 pounds a few months ago. And I know that the rehabilitation hospitals are expensive, even for outpatient. But I also know that 109 pounds is too much. And I know that I won't be happy unless I get below 100 pounds again. I don't want to go as low as 90... maybe 95. I know I will probably regret this later. But right now this is what I want. I'm trying not to think about it. I do eat, once a day, something small. And I always feel guilty afterwards. Sometimes I want to cry. I didn't think I would go back to all this so soon. I figured it would be at least a year or two, if I even relapsed at all. 4 pounds down, 6 to go.
I have to go back to work. I miss my fireman. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 29th, 2005|09:07 am] |
CW: 109 pounds
BMI: 18.1
My fireman made captain. But the shift and station are only temporary so we still can't make plans.
My stomach hurts and I have to go to work today. I work a split and that's going to blow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2005|06:31 pm] |
Ugh... still 110 pounds :(
BMI: 18.3
Today was such a long day. I avoided the sampler's all day at work. When I came home I had:
3 cups of black coffee .... 15 calories ......... 0g fat
1 cup of jello ............ 10 calories ......... 0g fat
1 soy protien burger ...... 90 calories ......... 1g fat
2 tbs ketchup w/burger .... 30 calories ......... 0g fat
Total .................... 145 calories ......... 1g fat
I may have another cup of sugar free jello later on tonight.
My fireman called me last night. We talked for about an hour and more and more I'm getting discouraged. Guys as perfect as him don't like girls like me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 27th, 2005|07:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hungry | ] |
I weighed 110 pounds this morning.
I'm finding it harder and harder to not draw attention to myself at work while I'm flat out refusing to try the entrees. I'm making up the dumbest lies about why I can't eat during the day because I'm allergic to this or can't eat that because of a thyroid problem... I hate lying but I hate eating more. Did I just say that? Damn. I guess I am relapsing. I kept telling myself I wasn't, but then I kept telling everyone that I can't eat for whatever reason.
I really don't want to go through this again. Maybe if I eat a little bit at a time. It's quarter to 8. Maybe I should eat something before it gets too late. It would be nice to lose 5-10 pounds. But that's what I always say, then 5 pounds turns into 15 and I'll become obsessed. It's not worth it. I know I'm not fat- but it's fat to me. Regardless- I'm not going to starve myself. So I'm going to go make dinner for myself right now. This will probably be a constant struggle for the rest of my life. Outpatient was bad enough, if they send me for inpatient I'll die in there.
I haven't heard from my fireman today so I don't think he found out about his promotion yet. I have to study for my beverage test on Friday at work. So much information. I hope I don't fail. The lymph nodes in my neck are so swollen. My throat is sore. I feel like shit. All the tea I've been drinking hasn't helped. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|07:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
I worked all day today. I think I'm coming down with something, my throat hurts and I feel like shit. They made us try some antipastis at work today. I had to- I don't want my co-workers thinking I'm an anoid. Then I came home and drank 4 cups of tea and had a piece of bread. I didn't weigh myself. I will in a couple days. It isn't accurate if I weigh myself at different times and after I eat.
I was going to eat a filet of fish, I just put it in the oven- I don't want it now. Whatev- I'll put it in the fridge and eat it as my meal tomorrow.
I talked to my fireman today. I called him (because I never do, and I was bored on lunch at work) expecting to get his voicemail. But he answered. He said he was on the engine on his way back from a call. He said he'll know about being promoted to captain tomorrow most likely so he can book a flight up here. It looks like I can't get enough days off to plan a trip down there, but firemen work 24 on, 24 off, 24 on, 24 off, 24 on, 4 days off. So he can come on his 4 days off. I miss him. I'm such an idiot. But he's the one who brought up making plans to come up here- whether or not he actually does is a different story. I'm not going to be one of those stupid girls who buys into all that romance/true love bullshit. My mom told me she "knows I'm falling for him"- her words. I asked her why she thinks that, she said because she's never seen me try so hard not to like someone. I thought that was weird because I didn't think I'm TRYING not to like him- I'm just not going to get my hopes up for some guy who's probably too old for me and lives 500 miles away. Color me skeptical, whatever. I'll see what happens next. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 25th, 2005|10:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pensive | ] |
CW: 111 pounds when I first woke up before a glass of water
BMI: 18.5
My fireman called me last night between calls. I'm so stupid, talking to him everyday only makes me just miss him more- which actually stings. And the fact that someone could make me feel that way is scarey. He said he may get his promotion to captain within the next week, so then we can plan either a trip from him up here or me down there because he'll know his new schedule. I'd rather go down there, my apartment is somewhat less than hospitable with my twin sized bed and shared bedroom. He told me he missed me and I feel so stupid for wanting this when I know it's virtually impossible. Well, I guess long distance relationships aren't impossible... whatever it is for me. If I am under too much stress I'm afraid I'll relapse and that would suck... Wait, would it? What am I saying, yes it would. My parents watch me closely when I come home, dispite the fact that I'm at a healthy weight now. Fireman doesn't know about my little "problem" and I'm embarrassed by it, I don't want him to know.
I actually made it downtown and back last night without getting lost... okay I got lost but only for a minute.
Today I have a shit load of errands to run. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2005|06:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | caffinated | ] |
Christ I've forgotten about this journal. Colm and I broke up ages ago. And I finished my outpateint after reaching 92 pounds. I can't say I don't miss that weight, but I feel a lot better now.
I talked to my firefighter last night but can never talk to him for very long because that station gets so many calls. He said he had to clean up a body yesterday that had been dead for a week. I couldn't handle that. He asked me why I never call him. I didn't know what to say. I mean, other than the fact that he's constantly working, I don't call because I don't want to like him (although I totally drunk dialed him the other night and left a ridiculous message). Or it scares me that I do like someone who isn't a complete loser like the last few guys I dated. He's older and successful and cute; and likes me? Why...? But he lives in southern california. Why bother putting myself through the anguish of a long distance relationship? I honestly couldn't be bothered. Call me emotionally lazy.
Today I had 770 calories, and waaay too much caffine. I may never even blink again.
CW: 113 pounds
BMI: 18.8
My roommate isn't home thank God. I'm enjoying my solitude until I meet Tine for drinks downtown at 10:30. |
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| Better... |
[Nov. 11th, 2004|01:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cold | ] |
Okay so when I weighed myself this morning I was 102 pounds. That's, although small, an improvement. Okay, only 3 more pounds to go. I missed church again this morning because it was pouring outside and I was really tired. I'll go tomorrow. I went back to sleep for a half an hour then got up and finished my research paper for psychology. I check the syllubus and that was my last paper for that class. I only have the final left and if it was as easy as the midterm, I'm good. Now it's the other 3 classes I have to worry about...
Colm said I looked too thin last night but I think he was only saying that because he doesn't like the fact that I'm starving myself and that was his way of telling me okay I've lost 14 pounds already, it's time to stop. But it isn't time to stop. He knows he isn't going to win this with me so he just gives in and says, "well I don't like it and I'm going to force you to stop at some point but whatever". Dumb boy.
I feel bad for him though. He says I'm really selfish that I don't care whether or not I live or die. He gets upset and thinks I don't love him, I don't know if I do. Last night we talked about moving in together- no fucking way that's happening. He said to me last night that I make all these plans for my future and I don't include him in my plans and he was upset about that. I was suprised. I didn't know he was that serious about me and this relationship. I hope that shit changes.
Current weight: 102 lbs eh...
Goal weight: 99 lbs |
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| Fuck this |
[Nov. 10th, 2004|01:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | distressed | ] |
Okay so in the last 3 days I have had a total of 70 calories and 0.5 grams of fat, and I have been working out, AND I weigh exactly the same the amount as I did 3 days ago. My roommate made a comment to me last night about eating. She caught my cold and I was making us tea and she came into the kitchen and said, "So do you even eat food or do you just drink tea all day?" I didn't know what to say, so I just laughed like she was making a joke. Then she says, "No, seriously" and went into the living room. Is she noticing that I have lost weight? Or is she just noticing I'm not eating? I missed chruch this morning because I was so tired. I got up and went to the gym then I went to the grocery store and bought stuff to make burritos. I made them then wrapped them up in foil and put them aside. Then my roommate comes in to see what I was making and I said, "Oh are you hungry?" I was hoping that she was because I didn't want the food to go to waste, but she said she wasn't. She didn't see me wrap them up until a little while later and she said, "You didn't even eat your burritos?" I told her I was going to take them to school with me later but I'm really going to give them to Colm later on when I get out of class tonight. She will be difficult to fool though. We have been freinds a very long time and she went through this with me once a long time ago when we were still in high school, so she knows all the early warning signs. Colm and I had yet another fight... well actually he did all the fighting. He was mad at me for basically being myself, and when he started being stupid and being mad at me for really nothing and I didn't want to deal with it. So I tried to walk past him to leave. I was like, "I don't want to fight please just let me leave right now" but he wanted to be a dick and tried to force me to stay and talk. I said no and finally he let me walk past him then started to follow me out to my car, I turned around because he was getting madder and I told him yet again "Colm I just don't want to argue." And he yells, "FINE! I won't argue and slams the front door in my face. It was weird, I'm usually crushed when he does that kind of shit, but I just didn't care. I went home and he called me a couple hours later apologizing and telling me he will treat me better and that he loves me and he's sorry and the same old speech he always give me after he cools down and starts to feel bad. I know he loves me, but is he worth it? Sometimes I just don't know anymore. Fucking Irish...
I am angry at the world today.
Current weight: Mother fucking 105 Fuck you world |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 8th, 2004|08:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Okay so I made a fabulous dinner last night: stuffed salmon, terryakki buk choy, and garlic mashed potatoes. My roommate and boyfriend ate it but not me. My roommate, who I've been friends with forever, told me that salmon is the fattiest fish. I didn't know that... was that a hint? It's weird, I don't even get hungry anymore. But I crave espresso and tea like they're vitimans. Since halloween I've had 2 meals, but I've been working out. The hunger just goes away after the first 3 or 4 days. I'm still really depressed but I'm optimistic... and it's really hard to be optimistic when you are depressed. I just need to get through this week and go to church on Friday morning and then confession on Friday evening. I feel really lonely and I'm not sure why. My roommate lightened up and isn't moody anymore now that she got her period, and I spent the weekend with my sister and Colm was so sweet to me again last night and for once our relationship has no turmoil. But I still feel like I'm wandering through the woods at night alone. I think it's because although I spend time with people, I'm not discussing my feelings with anyone although I want to, but everytime I'm with someone I pretend to happy. Why? I think that if I tell someone about my problems then that makes them real, and that I really am depressed. Is denial a better place to be than reality when reality is so painful? No one knows I'm depressed except for the strangers that read this. No one knows I'm starving accept for Colm but he thinks it's just a phase, and it's not worrisom because I'm not dangerously thin, I just look normal now. And am I even starving to be thin? Or am I starving to disappear? I don't know what I want or who I am... I'm 20 and my brother-in-law tells me that this is the age when he sarted to question everything and that being 20 sucks and is depressing. He says I think too much, so does Colm. Colm said to me the other night that I'm too intelligent for my own good and that my psychology class is going striaght to my head. He only thinks I'm intellogent because he's a fucking retard.
Current weight: 106 lbs
Total weight lost: 13 lbs
Goal weight: 99 lbs
Weight left to lose: 7 lbs
Game plan for today:
Do anthropology homework
Go to anthropology at noon
Go to the gym on the way home from school
Write paper that's due tomorrow for film
Don't eat |
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